Sunday, February 27, 2011

Fathers' Rights



Disclaimer:
This is not an attempt at legal advice, nor is it the know-all guide to what is and what should be. Every case is different! Know the ins and outs of yours and take this as it is - simple advice from me to you.

Furthermore, this is not an attempt at sexist or biased information - enough of that exists with everything in place as it is.. Most of these steps and hints can (and in my opinion should) be applied on both ends of any case (i.e. Mother and Father), however I direct my comments in general to father's because I know the struggles of a father in regards to Child Custody and Child Support as I am one. I will never be able to provide a truly female perspective on the issue, nor do I ever intend to - I don't have the proper "equipment" and therefore lack the perspective, understand?

Background:

Well, after some years of dealing with the legalities and pain of the "system" in place for Child Custody as well as Child Support I think it's about time that I put together an informational type of blog regarding these topics. Mostly this will cover what I've learned and what I'd advise anyone to do. In that light, this post will be written as I intend it to be taken - as if I were talking to a friend taking their first steps into the above stated situation. As such, take this material as I intend it. Read the disclaimer. Treat this information as if it were a good friend of yours telling it to you. Not one person on this earth knows everything about your particular case, and not one person is going to have a guide designed specifically to fit you. Take the information I give, and adapt it to you.

I hope that the future generation of father's out there that have to go through the battles that I engage in today will not feel as helpless or powerless to action as I have. I hope that you will take action, and take ownership of the future that you CAN have with your child. Despite all the blockades and bias of the "system" in place today, you can fight it all, and you must for the sake of your child. Who would they become without you in their lives?

Without further delay, let's get into some of the more important steps you can take in the case that you have a child (or want a child) and are (or potentially could be) facing legal action whether it be Support or Custody.

Pre-Child Step - Know Who You Are Having Relations With!

This is probably one of the most innocent and misguided mistakes you can make all in the name of sexual relations. Know the person that you are engaging with. Are they on mood or personality affecting medication? Who are they and what are they like without the medication for extended period of time? Are both of these personalities and moods a person that you can see yourself with for the rest of your life, raising children in harmony? No? Protect yourself! Use a condom, insist that they use birth control, both partners screen for STD's, best case scenario - practice abstinence or get the hell out of this pointless relationship. Be intelligent enough to realize that even with all the protection that the world has to offer there are still no 100% guarantees. Know, know, know, know the person you are with.



This is totally a great reason to use this video, and it is SO true. "Don't Be Stupid - Protect Yourself!"

Post Child Steps

Step One - Get A Lawyer

This is going to be one of the most demanding, emotional, and possibly highest financially draining process you will ever encounter. Do NOT assume that you can do this without legal assistance. In my case, I didn't take my own advice that I offer now. I wish that I had. Despite whatever financial hardship you may be in now, or your concerns with the cost, or the type of person that your lawyer may be - get one. The most important thing that you need to remember about your lawyer is that they are YOUR lawyer. The second most important thing you need to know is that they do not become your lawyer without YOU agreeing to it. Be picky. Find someone that fits your personality, that you trust, that you feel good about. One important fact that you need to know is that you can terminate this relationship at any time as well. Make sure that your lawyer knows this. They are being paid by you - therefore you are their employer if you will. Would you pay someone or retain them as an employee if they continuously produced sub-par performance? Hell no! Pay attention to what they are doing, demand an itemized schedule of their costs, get their cost sheets up front, do NOT give them money until they work for you! Let me repeat that - do not give them money until they work for you! Any lawyer that wants "X" amount of dollars just to meet with you (consultation) in my eyes is garbage. This is their interview! Do you get paid to interview? Hell no! Why should they? Alright, I think you get the point. Get a lawyer, but pay attention to them. Make sure that they are doing the job they are being paid to do.

So you've got yourself some representation for every instance of this case (yes, take them to every hearing dealing with custody or support). What now?

Step Two - Know Your Enemy

My enemy? What the hell is this guy talking about 'my enemy'? Make no mistake - you are now at "war". Have any friends that want to take you to court? Any that are demanding money? Any that seek to create a schedule for you? No? Didn't think so. Your former significant other is your enemy. Do not be subdued into thinking anything less. Am I saying to disrespect them? Quite to the contrary, show them all the respect in the world. This is a person with the power to take you to court - they demand your respect and attention. What I'm saying is this : Get to know them better now than you ever did before.

  • Know their history, present, as well as future. (Arrests, Drugs, Alcohol, Work, Mental/Physical Health, Religion, Counseling, Education, etc)
  • Know their counsel - this may be their family, their lawyer, their friends, etc. Knowing this gives you the edge on what their next move may be. For instance - if their lawyer continuously "plays games" or sends you sloppy work, chances are this will reflect in the courtroom so be prepared for that. Is their friend potentially spying on you? Block them from your social networking sites, pay attention to your surroundings. Is their parent providing advice? Try and put yourself in their frame of mind. What would you say if you were their parent? What might you push them to do if you were their parent?
  • Know their location. What are the schools like in their area? The bars? The universities? The crime? The churches? The neighbors? This information may give you a leg up in a custody battle. All proceedings from here forth are about one thing - what is best for the child. Which location is best for your child?
  • Know their significant others. Is your ex dating or married or engaged to someone new? What do you know of them? Apply all advice for knowing your ex to this person as well to the best of your abilities.
I hope that you don't take this step for granted. If you have the financial means, I would suggest having your lawyer garner any legal documents regarding your ex that they can. I would further suggest hiring a private investigator as well to observe your ex - this may lead you to information you were not aware of and may play a pivotal role in any custody or support case.

Step Three - Know Your Rights!

You have just as many rights as your ex does. You can file for support and custody just as much as they can. You can file to modify or close a case just as much as they can. You can demand a neutral exchange site for your child just as much as they can. You can file for a PFA (Protection From Abuse) just as much as they can! The list goes on and on and on... Knowing these rights also lets you know what your ex is capable of accomplishing. Protect yourself and protect your rights by being pro-active. File first! Modify first!

Step Four - Document Everything

I mean EVERYTHING. That e-mail your ex sent you that didn't really have anything substantial in it? Save it, print it, file it. The letter you got from court? Save it, copy it, file it. The cost sheet of your lawyer? Save it, copy it, file it. Your previous or present legal issues (custody and support included)? Save them, print them, copy them, file them. Newspaper printouts regarding your child, ex, or yourself? Save it, copy it, file it. Your ex's social networking site? Save it, print it, file it. Vandalism you believe to be attributed to your ex or someone associated with them? Call the police, make a report, press charges if capable, copy report, file report. Phone calls between you and your ex or child? Write down details of conversation, copy, file. Receipts for gifts, payments, etc? Save, copy, file. Save, copy, file. Save, Copy, File. This is your new slogan. Every little thing no matter how insignificant it may seem can pay dividends in these types of cases. Keep an organized filing system, develop a "key" or "legend" for this filing system that the most simple-minded individual could navigate through with ease. Sort all files by date, keep them separated by year. Separate each file by category (Support, Custody, Lawyer, E-mails, Phone, Text, etc). Be diligent and thorough in this process as it will be a life saver. Start it immediately!

Step Five - Control Yourself

No matter how tempting it may be to fire back when your ex insults you or harasses you or physically harms you - keep your cool. Controlling yourself is extremely important. Let them be the ones that appear incapable of being responsible, of compromise, of control. Let them be the ones that face charges of assault, harassment, or at the very least have a dis-favorable eye cast upon them in court due to past actions. There's a phrase I've used for several years now, and it's most appropriate here - "Calm as a bomb". Be cool, calm and collected on the outside. Appear as if you are harmless, innate, incapable of action. Choose and calculate your explosions wisely! Understand that by appearing as if you are harmless, innate, and incapable of action that your ex does not expect you to take action of any kind. When they receive papers that you are taking them to court?

* BOOM *

Enjoy and revel in your unexpected, impossible explosion. Enjoy being prepared when they were not. Enjoy that you have the upper hand in a "system" designed to give you anything other than that - but be damn sure to keep it that way.

Friday, February 18, 2011

JFK Assassination

WARNING

WARNING

WARNING

EXTREMELY GRAPHIC CONTENT TO FOLLOW



First, let's be clear about all of this - no matter how you feel about the matter or what you believe we all need to take a step back and realize that a truly wonderful man was tragically killed serving his country. Please, be the classy readers and responders that I know you to be and show respect for President Kennedy and his family.

Also, as a sidenote there are some changes to the blog today. Among those is a poll at the bottom I'd appreciate you voting in. You may also subscribe and have my blog sent directly to you, as well as to the right you have the option to share a post on facebook or twitter. Enjoy.

You might be asking why I chose to do a blog regarding the Kennedy assassination, and rightfully so. It is a bit of an odd subject to cover, however I think it deserves some critical thought on all our parts. Hopefully this graphic content of our nation's history might serve to educate all who view it, deter any who might think such actions are "cool", and if nothing else bring some new perspective to your thought processes about November 22, 1963.

My inspiration came from watching the film JFK starring Kevin Costner, directed by Oliver Stone. Sure, it's a film and I get it - a good bit of it is dramatized to be interesting however there is still far too much controversy about that day for me not to have doubts and questions that I feel justify some public examination.

First and foremost, I think it's appropriate to discuss the area in which Mr. Kennedy was shot as this is the beginning of my personal doubts.



This view isn't the best, however it does provide some basic overlay and introduction of matters we'll be discussing further later in this post. I've got to be honest with you, I'm not entirely certain what the blue star with "0" in it represents, I can only guess - my best guess would be to say that this is the location of the start of the much maligned "Zapruder Film" that tracks the motorcade from it's turn onto fateful Elm Street all the way out of sight speeding away after the assassination. Speaking of the "Zapruder Film" that's why there is a yellow circle marked "Zapruder". That is where Mr. Zapruder was standing while he filmed the chaos. Note that he is in near vicinity to the "grassy knoll" and "wooden fence". This is important again for later discussions. The black circle marked "6th Floor Sniper Nest" is supposedly where Lee Harvey Oswald shot from in the Texas Book Depository building. The maroon colored dashes are obviously the route of the motorcade, and then we have the red stars, marked "1" and "3". Note there there is no "2". The star marked "1" is when Kennedy was first shot - this shot struck him in his upper back, went through the middle of his neck (very near where you might see a tracheotomy) and then struck the Senator seated in front of him in the back, through his chest, into his wrist, and then lodged in his thigh.

This shot is often referred to as the "Magic Bullet Theory" as evidenced by the following:

Why is it called the Magic Bullet Theory you ask? Well, some rather poor research to start with. The suggestion is that this bullet zig-zagged in the bodies of Kennedy and Senator Connally which is not all that uncommon - in fact one of the main reasons that a .22 caliber pistol is recommended for a self-defense handgun, however where it gets really tricky is this bullet is said to have curved in mid-air. This idea is preposterous. The reason that some think the bullet zig-zagged the way it supposedly did is as stated, due to poor research. In examination of the vehicle as well as the Zapruder film it is plain to see that Connally is seated a little to the left of, and slightly lower than President Kennedy and is also turned slightly to the right. Therefore, the shot rang true and straight, however I will concede that in my examinations, it does appear that it changes trajectory a bit within flesh. Again, that fact is not uncommon.

I think I'll let ya'll watch two versions of the Zapruder Film and then we'll continue with some more discussion. Mind you, these films are exactly identical, one is just more zoomed than the other.

- The First Zapruder Film



- The Second Zapruder Film



Now this is where things get extremely chippy. Right about frame #230 (0:10 seconds in the second film) and 0:08 seconds in the first film you can see where Kennedy and Connally were shot the first time. Kennedy raises his arms toward his neck, and is visibly grimacing in pain, simultaneously Connally also has a grimace of pain and you can tell that his jacket has been disheveled by something.

Here's something REALLY important that I bet you didn't notice the first time you watched the first film. It's only in the first film because it is not zoomed in, however I want you to do something for me. Take a look at the scenery outside, note that the president's car has it's roof off, note the bright sunshine, think about what weather is like in Dallas in November. Now, pay extremely close attention at about 0:04 to 0:07. Did you see it? No? Take another look, and pay close attention to the bottom right of the road sign. See it now? YES! It is a bright, top-down, Dallas day, no rain in sight, and there it is! Someone CLEARLY opens a black umbrella literally just before Kennedy is shot the first time. Don't you think that's strange?

Make no mistake - the man holding the umbrella is a signal man. Opening the umbrella meant the mission was a go. This right here is infallible proof that at the VERY least Oswald had one other person working with him. If you don't think so, I think you are awful naive my friend. We'll get into why I don't think Oswald had much of a role in the assassination other than maybe two shots at best, and just a blame man at worst later..

Worth mention from the Zapruder Film is also the fact that the driver slows down right before the fatal shot that Kennedy took to the head. I can't blame people for noting this, I can't blame them for thinking why didn't the driver just speed off at the first shot? If he had Kennedy might have lived! In reality though, do I believe the driver was part of a conspiracy to murder the president? In a word, no. It's understandable that he slowed after the first shot - there was commotion, he was looking backward to see if the president had been hit, also he was possibly giving secret service agents an opportunity to run to the car. A fatal error? Yes, absolutely - but in my eyes nothing more than that, an error.

From here taking a look at the film we can dispel the "Grassy Knoll Theory". As any good hunter will tell you, what you are looking at in the second shot (or rather - what you see) is a classic exit wound. Entry wounds simply do not have a large, explosive contact and then exit in a calm, singular fashion. It is in fact, just the opposite. Again, look at the overlay of the land. Mind you that as Kennedy is shot the second time he is nearly directly in front of Zapruder and the "Grassy Knoll Theory" generally states that someone fired from the fence behind the grassy knoll. This is impossible given that the exit wound is clearly facing the camera. Supporters of the "Grassy Knoll Theory" will also tell you to watch Kennedy's body movement and notice that he falls back and to the left. Pay a little bit of close attention and you can see that he visibly lurches forward first and then falls back and to the left. Now, more complex minds will tell you about muscle reactions and different aspects of the body to explain this, but I'll make it even simpler - remember that the car slowed down? As soon as Kennedy is hit the second time you can see that the car rapidly accelerates and is at the beginning of a rightward curve. The only way for his body to fall is back, and to the left.

Got that Grassy Knoll conspirators? You're out in my book.

Here I'll let ya'll have a look at the Nix Film, shot from the opposite side of the street as the Zapruder Film. Not much is noteworthy about this one but that it shows more easily the slowing and acceleration of the vehicle of the president.

- The Nix Film



Again, the slowing and then acceleration is a bit upsetting, but not all that unbelievable of a perfectly innocent person trying to do the right thing in a hard situation. So, all you out there that think the driver shot Kennedy or was part of the conspiracy to murder him - I'm sorry, but you're also out in my book.

Alright so I'm sure ya'll are wondering what my take on things is, eh? Well, we can begin with a better aerial photo of Dealy Plaza:


Now, compare the two aerial photos and then tell me - if you were in the 6th story corner window of the book depository building that Oswald was said to be in, what shot would you take? Would you take the three shots that were taken with the winding road of Elm Street (you can now see where shot "2" ended up by the red dot just before the underpass), or would you take the head on shot straight ahead? I know what any experienced hunter, let alone an ex-marine would do.

Here's my thoughts - maybe Oswald did take a shot, but he in my eyes only took two. One was a hit - the first shot that went through Kennedy and Connally, the second was the miss notated by the red dot near the underpass most likely as the car was speeding away. Perhaps that second shot was intended for Mrs. Kennedy, or perhaps it was another shot intended for the president. Who knows, all one can do regarding a missed shot is to guess.

Here's the kicker, or the big bang of my theory. A second shooter, and one from a higher angle. Now this is feasible from a few buildings rooftop, or one with a high tower. Take a look again at the second overview. From the book depository where Oswald was supposedly shooting from go up one building and to the right three. What do you see? Ahhh! A building with a rather high tower!

Here is my theory, complete with trajectory and a final impact where Kennedy was at the time of the fatal shot:

In my eyes, this shot makes the most sense in regards to the fatal headshot. If it was not from this building, then it was from high up in the building directly to its left. The animated picture that follows sheds light as to why this makes the most sense to me..



Taken directly from the Zapruder Film and an animation of just three frames in the film at the moment of impact clearly show an angled zone of destruction. The yellow arrows help to highlight this angle of impact. Furthermore, we can look at Mr. Kennedy's autopsy photos to help strengthen this theory.

The first is from the back of Mr. Kennedy's head. Clearly you can see the entry wound, but pay attention to where the entry wound really is. Does it look like it came from high and to the right or high and to the left? You be the judge for you, but in my eyes it is definitely high and to the left - thus ruling Oswald out for this shot. Furthermore supporting the high and left as opposed to high and right - if the bullet had come from the right, Jackie or another passenger would have been first and foremost absolutely covered in blood and matter, instead it is all nearly from bleeding out that the blood stains appear. Second - if it had come from the left Jackie or another passenger almost certainly would have been struck with whatever fragments were left of the bullet (they were not). Third - watch the Zapruder Film again, does it look like the spray of blood comes from Mr. Kennedy via a shot just slightly angled behind and to the left of Mr. Zapruder or more to the right? Fourth - go back to watching the Zapruder Film again and pay close attention to the location of Jackie's head and John's head from 0:10 until 0:12 in the first film. Notice that the shot comes as soon as she moves her head? Again - you be the judge for you - but I know where I lie.



The next picture of Mr. Kennedy's autopsy is rather conclusive to me of how the bullet progressed from the entry wound via a high and left shot.



So there you have it - my thoughts are at least two shooters and at least one signal man. Is that all there is to it? Certainly not. In my eyes this was a largely government conspiracy to execute a man who's idea's were not popular with "the good old boys". Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, maybe a little of both. I'll leave you with this one final image of Lyndon Banes Johnson, beside grieving widow Jackie Kennedy immediately after he was sworn in as president just ninety-nine minutes after John Fitzgerald Kennedy was pronounced dead.


Notice the wink from his comrade, and his wide smile. Seem free of guilt to you?



If any of you were alive at the time - what do you remember most about November 22, 1963? Where were you? What were you doing? What was going through your head?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

My Cartoon Crushes

Another fun spin off from Erica Brindley's blog. My opposite perspective of my top five cartoon crushes. I think I have a healthy mix of bad and good girls, along with an exceptional touch of taste in the looks department. Most of these women have some pretty unique attributes that put them in the top five.

To view Erica's top five cartoon crushes, you can go here Personally, I think her list is a bit odd, but who am I to judge? We've both made lists of cartoon crushes for christ sake.

1. Lois Griffin (from Family Guy)


For starters, Lois is the classic girl next door. From there, she's a bad girl trapped in a good girl world. She's the mother of three and has the body of an eighteen year old. Biggest plus? She likes fat guys.

2. Jessica Rabbit (from Who Framed Roger Rabbit)


Jessica never really has to shy from a playboy bunny costume, it's just too perfect in so many ways. Legs from here to New Mexico certainly help too. It doesn't hurt that she's a bad girl that likes to play the crowd. My god, don't get me started on the garters and the form-fitting red dress either. Also, to quote #1 - "if she smokes, she pokes".

3. Mystique (from X-Men)


Come on now, a naughty girl that can become anyone? Is there even doubt as to why she belongs on this list?

4. Harley Quinn (from Batman)



This girl is just all about fun, no matter if it's good and clean or not so nice. You've got to love the fact that she's generally a good person, just too naive to see that she's stuck in a bad woman's world. To top it off, she is comfortable around guns and never short of a joke.

5. Leela (from Futurama)


The single eye is a little odd, but you can't knock her down for that. Leela has an amazing figure and loves to be either nude or dressed in cute outfits. She likes a geek too, so that's a bonus. It certainly doesn't hurt that Leela seems to have some bisexual tendencies too. To top it all off, she's a military girl in incredible shape.

Notable Cartoon Ladies Not Mentioned:

These are some of the cartoon women close to making my top five, most notable Marge Simpson. I almost feel bad leaving Marge off the list, she's a stand-by-your man type of gal that is just fine with any faults that he has. In the end, in my opinion Lois Griffin beat her out in the looks department and that's about all that kept her off the list. Betty Boop was a tough one as well, as she's just a fun loving, entertainer type gal that has an old-fashioned way about things. I figure the least honor I can do these women is mention that they weren't mentioned..

- Marge Simpson

- Emma Frost

- Jean Grey

- Betty Boop

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Twenty-Five Things Women Should Know

So, a friend of mine recently posted in her blog a list of twenty-four (not quite sure why she didn't make it to twenty-five) things that men should do. I thought this was response worthy, and so this will be the topic of today's blog. If you'd like, you can check out the list of things that men should do here. It's a pretty good read, so I'd recommend it. Also, there are a couple I reference from Mike, who is Erica's boyfriend. He also felt compelled to give a return list from the opposite perspective, so you can check out his list here.

Without further ado, here is my list of twenty-five things women should know:

1. Do not complain about money.

Alright, this one is pretty important. Regardless of the circumstances, we men do understand the problem. Money is the problem, and almost certainly we as a couple do not have enough of it. We already feel awful about it, since it's socially accepted that the man is the provider - so please ladies, we don't need to hear about it from you as it only hurts more.



2. Stand by your man.

Tammy Wynette has it right on the money. Look - we men aren't perfect. Hell, we're going to do and say things that are downright silly (See "dumb"), but damn it - stick with us. If we're arguing with family or friends or some stranger - support us. Not much in a relationship is more important than knowing that your partner has your back, even if you're wrong.

3. Trust us.

I've come to the realization at my ripe old age of 25 (ugh, that even hurts to type) that ladies just naturally are not full of trust. My advice? Can your genetically predisposed notion to assume that your guy is up to no good. Sometimes your gut might be right sure - but what if it isn't? You've just blatantly informed your man that you have no trust in him and that you aren't going to adhere very well to #2. Guess what baby, by that you've just made the expendable list.

4. Dress up just because.

I've go to agree with my friend Mike on this one. Sometimes it's just damn nice to come home and enjoy some eye-candy. Now, in my opinion dressing up doesn't need to involve clothes at all, it's the eye appeal that counts. However, don't take it for granted either - imagination is a hell of a thing to use to tease us with. Bottom line, what I'm saying here is to throw in some random days here and there that you have taken the effort to doll yourself up a bit just to please our male sensory needs.

5. Once we have you, mess with our heads.

Let's be clear about this - I do NOT mean mess with our heads in terms of making us think that we might lose you. No, what I mean here is stimulate our brains a bit. Make us again use our imaginations. Leave clue's about the house that lead to some fun "exercise" at the end, play a fun game of "guess what I'm not wearing today" every once in a while, give us a complex mathematical problem that corresponds in some way to the letters that spell out your most intense fantasy, etc, etc. The mind is a terrible thing to waste here ladies, particularly when it can lead to fun activities for the both of us!

6. Surprise us.

Be spontaneous in finding something we've wanted for a long time that is hard to attain and surprise us with it. We may not like diamonds and gold, but a surprise drill press in the garage is just as exciting to us as the latter is to you.

7. If you can beat us, do it.

This outdated idea that we're better at everything than you is annoying. Sure, we might be good at video games, but honey - if you can crush me at Madden I might have just found my future wife. Use your skills, don't be afraid to embarrass us, and rub it in when you do. It's hot. End of story.

8. Do the laundry.

I know, I know, I'm a sexist bastard. I get it. Laundry is awful. In reality, if it weren't for you wonderful women, it just wouldn't get done. Even if by some miracle it did, it wouldn't be done well. The truth is, we men just don't have the patience for laundry. We never will. We do not have the patience to take two hours out of our day folding towels and putting away under-garments. You're better at patience than we are, period. Can you ask us for a hand occasionally? Absolutely, and any good man will readily give you that hand - but please understand that your patience is what allows you to do this task on a regular basis and our impatience is what allows us men to bash things and curse at them and somehow make whatever it is work.

9. Let us open the door for you.

First - if your man isn't opening doors for you, or if that guy you have a crush on isn't waiting the extra two minutes for you to walk to the door he is holding open for you then get rid of the fool. This is our duty. It is non-negotiable. The equivalent to a man not being allowed (or refusing) to open a door for a lady is something similar to those nature shows you watch where an adult animal realizes they must give up and move on while their baby is being eaten alive. This is our responsibility to you regardless of our relationship, so don't scoff at it. Let me add however that if we do not receive a thank you and a smile in return that this is the only time a man is justified to slam that door right in your face the next time the opportunity presents itself.

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10. Be a little catty.

Don't be a bitch by any means, but make it known that I am your man, even if you're just letting it be known in your head, believe me - we can pick up on the vibe. Case in point - my girlfriend was very polite in not raising an issue when a fairly attractive young woman was flirting a good bit while we were playing a game of pool. Quietly at our table she made it very apparent that I belonged to her and despite her gracious ability to allow this young floozy to flirt, if it went to far she was prepared to rip the poor little girl to shreds. All of this was done without saying a word until after the fact. Classic, stealthy cattiness that is a hell of a turn-on.

11. Contact.

Roughly scratch our backs, gently rub our heads, vigorously squeeze our shoulders. Forgive us if we drool and twitch our legs like a dog with an itchy spot in the process.

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12. Accept the fact that we are visually stimulated.

Let's be quite frank here, we men appreciate a fine specimen of the female species. We try to be discrete about admiring these women out of respect for you. Realize that admiration is about as far as these glances go, and that if we are with you, then that is where our ultimate admiration lies.

13. Appreciate our quick thrills.

Ladies, we are gross creatures. We like to grope your buttocks and your breasts randomly for the pleasure of knowing that these wonderful parts of your bodies are ours to enjoy (with respect). We like to hop out of the shower and wiggle our "member" about to make you laugh. Yes, it's all kind of piggish, but in the end we men are brutes. If we weren't, you wouldn't love us as much as you do.

14. Do not "girl" the house.

If we wanted flower print wallpaper, we'd pick it. Meet in the middle with all decorations because we both have to live with them.

15. Say what you mean.

Communication is really important in any relationship, and clear, concise communication is extremely important if there is an issue. If you have something to say, do not respond with "Nothing" or "I'm fine" when we ask you what is wrong. If you give these types of answers and expect your man to be telepathic you have absolutely no right to complain when he still hasn't got what is bugging you three weeks later.

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16. Be our partner in crime.

Another one stolen from my friend Mike, but a really important one too. We guys like doing stupid little things that break small laws. Eventually, we all grow up a bit and lose our partners (our equally dumb buddies) in crime to distance and time. Enjoy the thrill of stealing road signs or simple acts of vandalism with us. These activities lead to some great middle of the night explorations about the country and a lot of bonding and laughing. So please girls, come smash some stuff with us.

17. Don't try to make us be something we aren't.

This is vague for a reason - every guy is slightly different. For me, my thing is dancing. I love to slow dance, but absolutely cannot dance fast. I never will be able to and I despise when people try to make me. On the awkward flip side of this, it does not give you the right to grind with another dude. I hate to say it girls, but this is one time where you need to just suck it up.

18. "Nothing is wrong" literally means that nothing is wrong.

Sometimes a man is simply having a quiet moment to himself. Women are the ones who ordinarily like to discuss and plan the details of almost everything. When we are quiet, it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong - only that we are thinking or enjoying the moment.

19. I love you isn't always spoken.

Try real hard to notice the little things we do to say those three important words. The smallest, most unimportant task such as clearing your car of snow in the morning means a hell of a lot more than "hey, I just cleared the snow off your car."

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20. Take care of yourself.

Yup, I'm gonna go there. Ladies, we men somehow make chubby look good, fat look OK, and well, obese usually just looks obese. I hate to tell you, but the female form does not do this. Sure, love-handles are just fine and a little bit of flab in the tummy area isn't a bad thing, but honestly - all of these things absolutely must be in moderation. Take care of yourselves, keep fit, and maintain a level of happiness and confidence in yourself that translates to sexy from the outside perspective.

21. Honesty is everything.

Tell us the truth about everything, regardless of how much it may hurt. Without honesty, there is no relationship.

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22. All shoes look the same to us.

Sure, we can discern between "boot", "heel", "tennis shoe", and "sandal". The issue arises when you ask us to tell the difference between types of heels. Types of heels?? I'm confused even writing this.

23. Give us your size in everything.

Really, this is just a matter of courtesy that makes a ton of sense if you give it some thought. I started this with my current girlfriend and it has paid dividends. Given a Christmas or birthday or whatever situation - don't you want your man to be automatically equipped with all that information so that you don't have a clue as to what he's getting you?

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24. Leave the childish fantasies in the past.

This is just annoying. Really, I don't want to listen to you rave about Justin Bieber or N*Sync or whoever. I listened to enough of that retardation when I was in high school, and unless you want to be treated as a high school girl, grow up a tad and leave boy-band-esque fantasies in the past where they belong.

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25. Be a healthy mix of dirty and classy.

Every guy has their tastes, so mind you who you are on a more regular basis is probably the type of person that your man prefers, but don't be naive to the fact that people (yes, men are people) enjoy variety. Feel free to be a bit of a "skank" at times with your man, smoke a cigarette now and again, get blitzed and act a fool - or for the opposite type of lady - doll yourself up, insist on being taken to a high class restaurant, choose wine over beer. You get the point.