Let's Pick on the Bible a Bit, Shall We?

You just knew when I said in my one post "I'm probably by most people's definitions one of the worst examples or else not a christian at all" that this topic would come up, didn't you?



Well, here we are, and here we are going to discuss at length my issues with the Christian Bible.

Now first and foremost, I'm not going to sit here and discredit the bible completely. I think it's a neat book, it has a lot of good lessons and stories in it, but to be blunt and honest - it's a book, written by man to serve the needs of the time, and it is a fictional book.

Hey, if you want to sit here and believe that God created the Earth and all it's creatures in seven days - more power to you. If you want to sit here and believe that at one time we talked to animals as if we were talking to one of our friends - sure have at it. If you'd like to think that people used to live to be nearly one-thousand years old - right on, go for it.

That said, if you so choose to believe all of those things to be fact, well, I'm going to question your intelligence. In the light of all scientific knowledge and discovery if you still think that some divine power created the Earth and it's the only inhabited planet, frankly - you're an idiot. I'll give merit that we used to communicate with animals, but you know why we used to communicate with animals? Because we used to BE animals. Evolution my friends, get used to it, it's fact, it's well documented, and soundly proven. If you're going to sit here and tell me that man used to live for thousands of years, I'm going to consider you a fool based on pure and simple logic. People's lifespans are getting longer for a reason - medicine is advancing. Honestly, in "biblical" times, I'd be amazed if there were anyone over the age of forty.

So there you have it - I'm fine with anyone believing whatever they like to believe. Do I question it? Sure. Do I feel like you have to believe how I believe? Hell no, I ain't your baby's mama, do what you want. Am I going to critique your potential beliefs anywhere but this blog? Nope. Not going to harp on you, not going to criticize you, not going to even care to be honest. It's your life, live it how you want to.

BUT I ASK THAT SAME COURTESY IN RETURN. You can criticize, question, make fun of, or whatever at me all you want to here in this blog, but outside of it my business is "NONE-YA".

Alright, so I've got some controversial bible passages to dissect and digest a bit here, and these passages illustrate some reasons as to why I've got a big problem with the bible and taking it as "the word of God". A note here - I'm not going to point out the book, chapter, verse, and line of where these quotes come from because quite honestly - I don't give a rats behind. If you don't believe me, Google it, read your bible, do whatever. But they are there.

Passage #1 goes as follows:

"These things write I unto thee, hoping to come unto thee shortly: But if I tarry long, that thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of the truth. Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety."

Ok, so let's dissect this a bit. Here we have some rules in regards to women in the church. In no particular order or significance we've got

Rule 1: be good in the house of God
Rule 2: women - you may not speak
Rule 3: women - you may not teach
Rule 4: women - again, be quiet and recognize that you are below men
Rule 5: women - you can "save" yourself by having kids, being faithful, give to charities, and follow "God's" rules with seriousness

Right. So essentially ladies, in God's eyes - you are inferior to man, and you need to know your place. Got it? Good. Because it's bull. Throw it out, get rid of the notion, men and women are certainly equals in terms of spirituality. The interesting part of all this is that most "bible-thumpers" and the like will tell you exactly what I'm telling you now. That this passage was meant simply for the times, and does not apply to today's society. I'll expand on why this is so interesting later on..

Moving along we'll examine another passage regarding how all you females need to be.
Without further ado, Passage #2:

"I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting. In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shame-facedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection."

More rules for all you vagina-bearing humans.
Rule 6: women - All your clothes must be modest. No labels, no flattering cuts, no flashy colors. A drab brown potato sack is most likely best. Just be sure it covers past your knees.
Rule 7: women - You've got to wear a shameful face because you are a descendant of Eve, and she messed up by eating the apple. No smiling, simple, serious shame.
Rule 8: women - You've got to keep long, simple hair. No braids, no style, no volume, nothin'. Think "Sarah Plain and Tall".
Rule 9: women - No gold, no pearls. All those "shiny things" that ya'll drool over? Yeah they're out. Forbidden.
Rule 10: women - Nothing must be costly. No designer this or designer that. No expensive anything. Again, drab brown potato sack and nothing more. OK, maybe you can wear a single brown twine for a bracelet, but that's really pushing it.

Yup, more rubbish directly from the bible about how all you women need to be dressed, behaved, etc. So, again - throw it out. Again, and interesting passage to be explained further later.

Alright, so let's keep pounding on the women eh? That's fun, right God?
Passage #3:

"Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering."

So there you have it all you Justin Bieber fans - your four year old (lol) heart-throb is a sinner.


Yeah, I just did that. Bahaha!

All you gals with short hair? Yeah, unless you wear a Hijab - you're sinners too. Tom Brady? Well, did we really need the bible to tell us something ain't right about Tom Brady? Troy Polamalu - perhaps one of the most spiritual men on this planet, according to the christian bible is a sinner as well.

Moving along to the next part, we'll continue with the trend of beatin' up on the gals. Passage #4:

"If any man takes a wife, and goes in on her, and detests her, and charges her with shameful conduct, and brings a bad name on her, and says, 'I took this woman, and when I came to her I found she was not a virgin. But if evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones..."

As my father always used to say: "Keep it in your pants". All you women out there that have had sex and aren't married be forewarned! According to the bible us guys can take you to daddy's door and not only can the husband, nay - the whole city of men can stone you to death. Say what you will about Sharia Law, but as Christians, we are just as gruesome.

Alright, I've found one that finally can at least apply to men as well as women. Sorry ladies, you're still under the (painful) eyes of the lord..
Passage #5:

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched."

Obviously, most sins are pretty well covered here, and this can be applied to both sexes. So basically, if you do something sinful, maim the body part you did it with and you'll be good in God's eyes. Limbless, blind, and brainless, but good.

Here's a kicker for all you bastards out there, of interest to me - my nephew.
Passage #6:

"One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord."

Yeah, it's harsh. You didn't do anything "wrong", your parent did - but you're still S.O.L. my friend. Note here that there is absolutely no hope for you, nothing you can do. Not a "hey if you do these things or that" you might be able to be saved. Nope, you simply "shall not enter". S.O.L.

Alright, we've got another one that can be applied to both sexes.
Passage #7:

"Slaves, obey your human masters with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ."

"Slaves, obey your human masters in everything; don't work only while being watched, in order to please men, but work wholeheartedly, fearing the Lord."

"Slaves are to be submissive to their masters in everything, and to be well-pleasing, not talking back."

"Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the cruel."

Yeah, according to God slavery is kosher. No big deal. The problem arises when all you slaves start doing silly things like not working your skin off, disobeying, and revolting. Never mind that your master whips you for smelling bad because he doesn't let you bathe.. you still need to obey and be respectful. Guess that Civil War thing in America was all wrong eh?



Alright, so that's a bunch of passages that essentially rule the bible out for me personally. I'll continue with my examination regarding the first few passages I said that required more explanation. The reason I say they are so interesting is because as stated, most fundamentalist types will essentially tell you that those passages regarding women were just meant for the times. However, when you get into issues of homosexuality all the sudden all those words need to be taken as they are written without a damn about present times.

Nope, sorry. I disagree. I have gay friends who are just fine thank you. Dear lord, if you want to persecute them as all these fundamentalist bible-thumpers say you will, then you must also persecute the ladies, and if that's the way it's going to be - no, I don't have any interest in you or your alleged book of words.


Furthermore, to reiterate my problem of the bible as the printed word of God - the copyright! Take a look inside the cover. Does it say Copyright God or Yahveh or Christ or anything like that? Hell no it doesn't! Instead, you'll find stuff like this:

King James Version
Public Domain in America
New King James Version®
Copyright © 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc. All rights reserved.
Bible text from the New King James Version® is not to be reproduced in copies or otherwise by any means except as permitted in writing by Thomas Nelson, Inc., Attn: Bible Rights and Permissions, P.O. Box 141000, Nashville, TN 37214-1000.
New International Version
Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
New American Standard Bible
Scripture quotations marked (NASB)taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission.(www.Lockman.org)
English Standard Version
Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Or even better, this little gem:



So right, you mean to tell me that God is just dandy with man copyrighting his work? I doubt it. Hell some fool that printed one blurb in a now-defunct magazine will sue your behind for plagiarism and illegal reproduction of their work. You think God wouldn't smite you over it? Please.

What am I saying here really? Do I think the Bible needs to be thrown out? Hell no. It's a cool book, it's got some good stuff and some bad stuff in it, and people seem to like it. What I'm saying is that all you "live by the book, die by the book" types out there that want to criticize and judge based upon your selected scriptures from the book need to open your eyes a bit to the real world, and what is actually written in there. You want to take it literally? Go for it, but don't pick and choose what pieces - you take it all. Else wise you're a bloomin' hypocrite. You want to tell me that it's a living book that changes over time?

Great - so is Aesop's Fables.