Fathers' Rights

Disclaimer:

This is not an attempt at legal advice, nor is it the know-all guide to what is and what should be. Every case is different! Know the ins and outs of yours and take this as it is - simple advice from me to you.

Furthermore, this is not an attempt at sexist or biased information - enough of that exists with everything in place as it is.. Most of these steps and hints can (and in my opinion should) be applied on both ends of any case (i.e. Mother and Father), however I direct my comments in general to father's because I know the struggles of a father in regards to Child Custody and Child Support as I am one. I will never be able to provide a truly female perspective on the issue, nor do I ever intend to - I don't have the proper "equipment" and therefore lack the perspective, understand?

Background:

Well, after some years of dealing with the legalities and pain of the "system" in place for Child Custody as well as Child Support I think it's about time that I put together an informational type of blog regarding these topics. Mostly this will cover what I've learned and what I'd advise anyone to do. In that light, this post will be written as I intend it to be taken - as if I were talking to a friend taking their first steps into the above stated situation. As such, take this material as I intend it. Read the disclaimer. Treat this information as if it were a good friend of yours telling it to you. Not one person on this earth knows everything about your particular case, and not one person is going to have a guide designed specifically to fit you. Take the information I give, and adapt it to you.

I hope that the future generation of father's out there that have to go through the battles that I engage in today will not feel as helpless or powerless to action as I have. I hope that you will take action, and take ownership of the future that you CAN have with your child. Despite all the blockades and bias of the "system" in place today, you can fight it all, and you must for the sake of your child. Who would they become without you in their lives?

Without further delay, let's get into some of the more important steps you can take in the case that you have a child (or want a child) and are (or potentially could be) facing legal action whether it be Support or Custody.

Pre-Child Step - Know Who You Are Having Relations With!

This is probably one of the most innocent and misguided mistakes you can make all in the name of sexual relations. Know the person that you are engaging with. Are they on mood or personality affecting medication? Who are they and what are they like without the medication for extended period of time? Are both of these personalities and moods a person that you can see yourself with for the rest of your life, raising children in harmony? No? Protect yourself! Use a condom, insist that they use birth control, both partners screen for STD's, best case scenario - practice abstinence or get the hell out of this pointless relationship. Be intelligent enough to realize that even with all the protection that the world has to offer there are still no 100% guarantees. Know, know, know, know the person you are with.

This is totally a great reason to use this video, and it is SO true. "Don't Be Stupid - Protect Yourself!"

Post Child Steps

Step One - Get A Lawyer

This is going to be one of the most demanding, emotional, and possibly highest financially draining process you will ever encounter. Do NOT assume that you can do this without legal assistance. In my case, I didn't take my own advice that I offer now. I wish that I had. Despite whatever financial hardship you may be in now, or your concerns with the cost, or the type of person that your lawyer may be - get one. The most important thing that you need to remember about your lawyer is that they are YOUR lawyer. The second most important thing you need to know is that they do not become your lawyer without YOU agreeing to it. Be picky. Find someone that fits your personality, that you trust, that you feel good about. One important fact that you need to know is that you can terminate this relationship at any time as well. Make sure that your lawyer knows this. They are being paid by you - therefore you are their employer if you will. Would you pay someone or retain them as an employee if they continuously produced sub-par performance? Hell no! Pay attention to what they are doing, demand an itemized schedule of their costs, get their cost sheets up front, do NOT give them money until they work for you! Let me repeat that - do not give them money until they work for you! Any lawyer that wants "X" amount of dollars just to meet with you (consultation) in my eyes is garbage. This is their interview! Do you get paid to interview? Hell no! Why should they? Alright, I think you get the point. Get a lawyer, but pay attention to them. Make sure that they are doing the job they are being paid to do.

So you've got yourself some representation for every instance of this case (yes, take them to every hearing dealing with custody or support). What now?

Step Two - Know Your Enemy

My enemy? What the hell is this guy talking about 'my enemy'? Make no mistake - you are now at "war". Have any friends that want to take you to court? Any that are demanding money? Any that seek to create a schedule for you? No? Didn't think so. Your former significant other is your enemy. Do not be subdued into thinking anything less. Am I saying to disrespect them? Quite to the contrary, show them all the respect in the world. This is a person with the power to take you to court - they demand your respect and attention. What I'm saying is this : Get to know them better now than you ever did before.

• Know their history, present, as well as future. (Arrests, Drugs, Alcohol, Work, Mental/Physical Health, Religion, Counseling, Education, etc)
• Know their counsel - this may be their family, their lawyer, their friends, etc. Knowing this gives you the edge on what their next move may be. For instance - if their lawyer continuously "plays games" or sends you sloppy work, chances are this will reflect in the courtroom so be prepared for that. Is their friend potentially spying on you? Block them from your social networking sites, pay attention to your surroundings. Is their parent providing advice? Try and put yourself in their frame of mind. What would you say if you were their parent? What might you push them to do if you were their parent?
• Know their location. What are the schools like in their area? The bars? The universities? The crime? The churches? The neighbors? This information may give you a leg up in a custody battle. All proceedings from here forth are about one thing - what is best for the child. Which location is best for your child?
• Know their significant others. Is your ex dating or married or engaged to someone new? What do you know of them? Apply all advice for knowing your ex to this person as well to the best of your abilities.

I hope that you don't take this step for granted. If you have the financial means, I would suggest having your lawyer garner any legal documents regarding your ex that they can. I would further suggest hiring a private investigator as well to observe your ex - this may lead you to information you were not aware of and may play a pivotal role in any custody or support case.

Step Three - Know Your Rights!

You have just as many rights as your ex does. You can file for support and custody just as much as they can. You can file to modify or close a case just as much as they can. You can demand a neutral exchange site for your child just as much as they can. You can file for a PFA (Protection From Abuse) just as much as they can! The list goes on and on and on... Knowing these rights also lets you know what your ex is capable of accomplishing. Protect yourself and protect your rights by being pro-active. File first! Modify first!

Step Four - Document Everything

I mean EVERYTHING. That e-mail your ex sent you that didn't really have anything substantial in it? Save it, print it, file it. The letter you got from court? Save it, copy it, file it. The cost sheet of your lawyer? Save it, copy it, file it. Your previous or present legal issues (custody and support included)? Save them, print them, copy them, file them. Newspaper printouts regarding your child, ex, or yourself? Save it, copy it, file it. Your ex's social networking site? Save it, print it, file it. Vandalism you believe to be attributed to your ex or someone associated with them? Call the police, make a report, press charges if capable, copy report, file report. Phone calls between you and your ex or child? Write down details of conversation, copy, file. Receipts for gifts, payments, etc? Save, copy, file. Save, copy, file. Save, Copy, File. This is your new slogan. Every little thing no matter how insignificant it may seem can pay dividends in these types of cases. Keep an organized filing system, develop a "key" or "legend" for this filing system that the most simple-minded individual could navigate through with ease. Sort all files by date, keep them separated by year. Separate each file by category (Support, Custody, Lawyer, E-mails, Phone, Text, etc). Be diligent and thorough in this process as it will be a life saver. Start it immediately!

Step Five - Control Yourself

No matter how tempting it may be to fire back when your ex insults you or harasses you or physically harms you - keep your cool. Controlling yourself is extremely important. Let them be the ones that appear incapable of being responsible, of compromise, of control. Let them be the ones that face charges of assault, harassment, or at the very least have a dis-favorable eye cast upon them in court due to past actions. There's a phrase I've used for several years now, and it's most appropriate here - "Calm as a bomb". Be cool, calm and collected on the outside. Appear as if you are harmless, innate, incapable of action. Choose and calculate your explosions wisely! Understand that by appearing as if you are harmless, innate, and incapable of action that your ex does not expect you to take action of any kind. When they receive papers that you are taking them to court?

* BOOM *

Enjoy and revel in your unexpected, impossible explosion. Enjoy being prepared when they were not. Enjoy that you have the upper hand in a "system" designed to give you anything other than that - but be damn sure to keep it that way.